When I Was a Lad… JP’s Look at Football Nostalgia

THE T.V

Today I watched Soccer A.M for the first time in about ten years. Even though it’s a bit crap these days it still filled me with nostalgia for being a kid in the 90s and thinking Lovejoy was hilarious and having naughty thoughts about Helen Chamberlain and the soccerette.

It got me thinking back to those days and football in general back then. I already made a post about the genius that was Fantasy Football with Baddiel and Skinner and that alongside Soccer AM were the real highlights of football discussion shows, getting the perfect balance between humour and football talk. For more serious discussion I used to love watching Jimmy Hill’s Sunday Supplement, featuring Hill and a load of tabloid hacks sat around in “Jimmy’s kitchen” talking about the weekend’s events. Soccer Saturday is obviously still the daddy, a premise that sounds ridiculous on paper but works so well in reality. I’m not sure if it’s just nostalgia talking or what but the lineup I remember watching as a kid with George Best, Rodney Marsh and Frank McLintock was the true golden era but it’s still a fantastic show to this day.

Of course Match of the Day has a special place in my heart also, it’s not great, especially these days, but it could be a lot worse (remember ITV’s THE PREMIERSHIP ffs) and that theme tune just is football. I also have vague memories of first getting into football and enjoying Big Match on ITV and also Saint and Greavsie before Sky took over and dominated everything.

THE MAGAZINES

I still remember getting my first ever football magazines, my dad bought me the trio of Shoot, Match and 90 Minutes one weekend in about 92 and they remained my three favourites for many years to come. I didn’t get 90 Minutes quite so often but I’d come to purchase Match and Shoot most weeks for most of the early and mid 90s, there was even a spell where I subscribed to Match and had it delivered through the door. An issue I remember in particular had John Beresford as the special guest editor, huge times.

One of my most vivid memories of cool freebies with football magazines was getting a set of cards free with an issue of 90 Minutes magazine featuring a load of footballers doing weird things. I found a few pictures of them online…

There was also obviously the infamous wall charts with the little cut out kits you’d get free at the start of each season, put up on your wall with the best of intentions each August and then by September you couldn’t be arsed updating them anymore and they’d sit there untouched until about January when you finally decided to take them down and lob them in the bin.

As I got slightly older I moved onto Match of the Day magazine and Four Four Two. Whilst those two were obviously aimed more and the adult market and were much better reads, they never quite captured the same feeling of having Match arrive through my letterbox.

CARDS/STICKERS/FIGURES ETC

My first ever sticker album was the Panini one for the 91/92 season, the last of the old Division One before the Premiership took over the world. Once the Premiership started then Merlin proved themselves to be the true king of the football sticker world and I think I had every album up until about 97/98 when I thought myself far too cool to be collecting stickers anymore.

There were also various football card fads over the years too. My favourite were the “big head” series, I can’t remember who made them but they featured caricature type pictures of the footballers and had top trump style ratings on the back.

Talking of big heads, the Corinthian figures were another huge playground phase in the mid 90s. Before them though, I remember building a small collection of Tonka football figures but you rarely hear people talk of them these days. They were bigger than the Corinthian ones and were more prominent in the late 80s/early 90s I think.

Anyway back onto Corinthian big heads, I used to love lining them up on the carpet in dream teams and different formations and stuff. One man who would always make my team is the don down below.

I also remember for a short while Netbusters videos seemed to be all the rage. A fairly low budget and short video that would come out every month or so that were pretty shit on reflection.

There was also a stupidly large amount of cock ups videos. My favourite of which was Neil Hancock’s Football Nightmares. I actually got my copy free with Four Four Two magazine and watched it fucking tons of times. He tries to get a lift to a Stoke game but ends up in another Stoke or something – HILARIOUS TIMES.

Other football collectables I remember from the time were football pogs, and also something I really struggle to find any evidence of it actually existing and that no-one seems to remember but I swear existed – little marble type things with pictures of footballers inside. I swear they were called “flick a balls” or something like that and there was a little game you could play with them too. Can’t find any pictures or anything though so you can have a huge one of an Ian Snodin pog instead.

THE VIDEO GAMES

This is just my personal journey so I’m well aware I’m missing out lots of classics here (I never played Sensible Soccer as a kid for instance). I’m pretty sure the first ever football game I played was Italia 90 round a friends, a bit of a crap game really but I thought it was amazing just because I had nothing else to compare it to.

My first ever console was a Sega Master System and the football game I played most on that and properly came to love was Super Kick Off. I also owned World Soccer but as I said, Super Kick Off was the daddy for me.

The first game of the Fifa franchise I ever owned was Fifa 96 on the Sega Saturn. I remember being stunned at its realism and it was my football game of choice on that console for quite a while as the only other one I had was the rather pony Euro 96 game based on the Actua Soccer game engine.

In 97 however, whilst I still purchased the updated Fifa game, Sega Worldwide Soccer was launched and blew it out of the water. It’s one of my favourite games of all time in fact and is hugely underrated to this day. I must have spent weeks playing on it.

So yeah that’s my recollections of being a football obsessed kid in the 90s. Have you got anything you’d like to add or that I’ve reminded you about? Post below or on the forum then innit.

CMPunk’s Top 50 Dons – Number 40 – Jim McDonald

“So It Is”

Even in a world where Phil Mitchell smokes crack, the thought that a character like Jim McDonald was on television is still rather peculiar. Coming from a time when Corrie seemingly hired labourers out of the dole queue to play their characters (you can’t tell me the guys who play Kevin Webster & Martin Platt have GCSE Drama) Jim McDonald was a fucking brute. I can’t go to deep into his character because frankly I cannot remember but he was fucking fierce. Instead I will state the facts that warrant his place in the list:

1. His original storyline in Corrie involved him finding work as a security guard before having to leave after a violent encounter with two intruders led to him feeling concerned that he could kill someone if such a situation arose again.
2. Killed drug dealer Jez Quigley after the local gangster smashed his son Steve McDonald to pieces. Jim did not mean to kill him the beating was just too fierce.
3. Had a piece of Liz McDonald for 20 odd years. His last appearance in The Street involved him tearing her new husband to be to pieces in a fit of jealous rage.

At the end of the day who the fuck is going to mess with Jim McDonald?

CMPunk’s Top 50 Dons – Number 42 – Billy Robbins

This is another tricky one as I sort of hate fat people. There was a time when I was something of a bloater myself so I have a direct insight into the mind of one and find it very hard to relate to one these days. I coupled an extremely unhealthy diet with a degenerate binge drinking weekend and I also wasn’t one for exercise. I still got no where near your average bloater but I know how lethargic and greedy the lifestyle is. I have now transformed myself into the kind of man who has a run a maximum of 8 miles in a session, eats a weekly minimal amount of fruit and veg and who drinks slightly less than your degenerate binge drinking superstar. I know there are variety of reasons for obesity but I also know how hard the long road to a decent level of fitness and lifestyle is so I really lack respect for those members of society who take pride in their selfish and greedy lifestyles.

Despite all of this I cannot say I am now full of admiration for Billy Robbins. For those unfortunately unaware of Billy Robbins he is the star of a documentary detailing his attempt to lose some of the 60 stones that made him the heaviest teenager in America.

The Robster in full flight.

Billy is so fat he comes across as quite in-human. His desire for food warrants pretty incredibly irrational decisions and facials that are simply a delight. His life solely revolves around eating, sleeping and playing video. Whilst I am aware this is not a life your average person could lead, it’s still not a bad life, eh?

There is a sequence of events in his documentary that just sums Billy up. Having already seen Billy already hospitalised due to his weight and various humiliating ordeals such as his mother changing his nappy, Billy decides he is not losing enough weight in hospital as he cannot get his stamina up. I’m not really sure what he means but in fact it had a little more to do with his cunt faced mother still feeding up him mammoth portions whilst in the fucking hospital. His mother is a complete omelette by the way with the kind of lack of intelligence only seen by the players, management and fans of West Ham United.

Anyway, Billy discharges himself against doctors orders and somehow makes into a big fuck off truck like what Americans have and sets off back to his shithouse gaff. On arrival Billy tries and fails to walk into the house, he then completely flakes out and the big fat smelly mess falls on the bonnet of his mother’s car and an ambulance is immediately called. I have never seen anyone look so exhausted in all my life and he only went like 6 steps. It’s hard to sum up the exhausted and crazed look on his face apart from beastly. As his mother runs over to help him he mutters the immortal words “Aw mother, I shit myself”. You cannot knock that kind of form.

Insert own Moz joke.

Later after a long hospital stretch where he eventually loses some girth and is released from the hospital again after having a gastric bypass, the first thing he did upon arriving home was have a big fuck off hotdog.

As will be mentioned time and time again, there is something terribly romantic about men destroying themselves through blindly following their dreams and desires. Whilst many might have done this through drink, drugs and women, it’s not fair to oestrocize the likes of Billy because very few have taken it as far as he has. I’m not a fan of obesity and Billy has no kind of interesting or intriguing personality traits but if Billy earns his place in this list by pushing his demons to the limit and being fun to laugh at.

Key Quote: “Oh mama. I’ve shit myself”
See: That documentary on him. Just youtube Billy Robbins

Classic TV Revisited 2 #TheRoyleFamily

Over the past week or so I’ve rewatched every episode of The Royle Family and it reminded me just what an excellent programme this was.

The three actual series I would say are all pretty consistent in quality, and whilst the third is possibly slightly weaker than the first two, there’s really not much in it. Each series has a ridiculous amount of laugh out loud moments but also the emotional moments too that the writing team manage to weave in seamlessly in the style of great sitcoms such as Only Fools and Horses. The episode that does this best however is the first of the comeback specials (and the only one that kept up to the quality of the original series), The Queen of Sheba.

The Royle Family always managed to keep in long running jokes such as the My Arse catchphrase of Jim, Sheryl being a fat bitch who will eat anything, Norma wanting to move in with the Royles and everyone treating Anthony like a lazy piece of shit when in fact they got him to do everything, however this never fell into the trap so many sketch shows have fallen into of dull repetition. It remains funny throughout and acts as some nice familiarity and almost draws you in so you feel part of the family too. It lets you in and you understand the interaction between the various family members so much that you could be on the sofa with them.

Unfortunately like so many others, The Royle Family had a comeback after a perfect ending and it has somewhat tainted the series with the last two episodes falling short of the rest. The charachters we grew to love and that seemed so real were exagerrated to an extent where they become caricatures of themselves and the subtle humour of the older episodes was replaced with far too much slapstick.

Despite this, The Royle Family still stands up as one of the greatest British sitcoms of all time and is well worth picking up on dvd especially now it is so cheap. Also a little known fact is that one of the stars of the show is mates with popular forum member Mahoney…

CMPunk’s Top 50 Dons – Number 46 – Lt. Fucking #Columbo

A wiley old dog in an excellent mac. The coolest of the cool characters who stayed composed and focused at all times. Never one to resort to aggression or fisty cuffs he let his mouth do the talking. With just the one eye and a crazy hunch Columbo invariably nails the bad guy. He might be old bill but as far as I can remember he didn’t get his hands dirty with the general public and stuck to investigating sly wronguns, perverts and the like.

If anyone has any information that he shared the characteristics of your average policeman ie.

Nicking innocents – Click Here.

Using uneeded aggressive force leading to death – Click Here

And taking back handers – Click Here

and so and so on, I will happily remove him from the list.

Until I receive such information to suggest otherwise – DON.

Key Quote: ‘And just one more thing……..’
See: Any Columbo film….ever

CMPunk’s Top 50 Dons – Number 48 – AC Slater from #SavedByTheBell

After a couple of complex entries things get considerably simpler at 48 (mainly because it’s Friday and I’m bolloxed.) For my generation ‘Saved By The Bell’ was an escape from the grim realities of the post recession, early nineties in the suburbs. Set somewhere hot in America it was a million miles away from the grey urban landscape I grew up in. It featured the antics of Zac Morris as he made his way through college launching hair brained scams to try and get in to Kelly Kapowski’s knickers or stick it to Valley or get one over on Principal Belding or something that was topical for that week. My dedicated research has revealed there was even a drugs episode! The heavy topic was though heavily watered down as Jessie became addicted to caffeine pills rather a more releastic take on the subject which might have involved her offering the wrestling team blowjobs in exchange for hard cash to buy crack. That might have been a bit heavy for early morning viewing on Channel 4 though tbh.

Anyway ask your avergae fan and they will probably tell you Zac was the don of the show. Your average fan would be very, very wrong. Zac had something about him certainty but he was a numpty rich kid who was smothered in the awful style of the time.

Note: This is Zac. Not to be confused with your average West Ham fan who shares an almost identical dress sense.

The true don of the show was his muscle A.C Slater. He was essentially a jock with a heart. The star athlete of the show he represented the college at basketball, American football and wrestling. Any man who is happy to strip down, oil up and have a wrestle is okay in my book. He was always there to back Zac and his dickhead mate Screech up when things went wrong and when Valley called it on. Most importantly if memory serves me right (we’re talking 20 years ago here) I do believe he stuck it up Kelly, Lisa and of course the love of his life Jessie which as far as I am concerned is worth a 1000 don points which FYI should gain entry to the top 20. He obviously loses 880 don points though for having a mullet but it was a sign of the times so we will go easy on him.

1000 DON POINT BREAKDOWN

(L-R): 500 don points, 600 don points, -100 don points

Have a lovely weekend gang and I promise a considerably juicer entrant at 47.

Interesting fact: A.C stands for Albert Clifford.
See: Saved By The Bell (1989)

CMPunk’s Top 50 Dons – Number 49 – #TheFonz from #HappyDays

The placement of The Fonz on a list of this nature goes without saying. There are few men that stand up to the values of being a man as much as The Fonz and his status as a popular culture icon is set forever. The quiff, the clothes, the babes and the motorcycle, it’s all there isn’t it? In fact you’re probably wondering why he’s at the back end of the list but I care about this list. I dig deeper than an archaeologist and behind all that rhubarb is a very perculiar individual who borders on being a nark.

He lives in the sticks, he hangs around with perhaps the biggest bunch of dorks in the world and he has a quiff. He doesn’t hang around in a bar, he hangs around in a diner and his “office” is a men’s toilet. I know what you’re thinking, he sounds like your average West Ham fan and you would be about right.

Why he didn’t he spread his wings? He could have moved to the city where the babes were better and the sun was brighter, he could have been a real someone but he took the easy route. Let’s not forget the one time he did he shit a brick from a shark and formed a phrase to describe narks!

Yeah he jumped it on the second attempt but let’s be serious he couldn’t hack it, could he?

The Fonz went for the simple life as many small town playboys do but to me he was different. He wasn’t full of himself and he didn’t bully the dorks and the hicks. To me there was something beautiful about his decision. Ignore the image for a second and remember The Fonz looked after those dorks and the diner and Ralph’s parents and Cha-chi and the garage and probably lot’s more other stuff I have forgetten. Us mere mortals are stuck with our problems and our grievances and our messy relationships and our desperate attempts at forming a career but for The Fonz every day was a Happy Fucking Day. Fix a car, give Richie some advice, go down the diner, have a burger then chat up a treacle. Despite the simplicity, repition and complete failure to evolve The Fonz was happy with what he had and he looked after his mates. That to me is far more important than doing tarts and looking saucy.

L-R: Mug chops #1, The Fonz, Poindexter, Mug chops #2
Note: This is the Happy Days crew and not a bunch of dorks drinking down Green Street.

Cool jacket as well of course.

Key Quote: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
See: Happy Days(1974)

CMPunk’s Top 50 Dons – Number 50 – #Shredder from #TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles

An essential part of a don is the clothes he wears. Please be aware you’re not going to get any messy types in last seasons cast offs making this list although that is not to say a bit of vintage won’t be sported as the list goes on. With this in mind it is perhaps fitting that Shredder should be first on the list. From the purple cape to the grey top and not forgetting the black belt that offsets it all, even when going into battle it’s obvious Shredder is making sure he looks tip top. You can imagine Shreds late at night shining his armour up real nice so when he calls it on with The Turtles the fear in their faces will reflect from it and he will have the vital mental edge. It’s that kind of thinking that puts him way above the Mumrahs and the Decepticons of the cartoon villain underworld. Mumrah was a horrible bastard but looked a right fucking state to be honest and thus isn’t worthy of don status.

Follow up the clobber with the fact that Shredder’s one true goal was world domination and he’s deservedly on the list. If it wasn’t for them do good bore off Turtle nark cunts he might have achieved it too and it is a crying shame Shredder never got to put them in their place. Although to be fair the sewer is exactly where they belong along with the sex offenders, traffic wardens and West Ham fans of this world.

The reason he never quite achieved his ultimate goal and the reason he’s so low on the list is the mob he surrounded himself with. He should have known better than to surround himself with a bunch of 2 bob ninjas, Bebop, Rocksteady and a massive cunt with an alien’s head in his abdomen called Krang. I can barely see them surviving a night out in Basildon let alone a proper tear up with a bunch of tooled up turtle ninjas and what are the work drinks going to be like with those three in tow? I can’t see them getting into Liquid & Envy for a couple of jugs of Blue Lagoon and a jive with the local tarts.

Give him his due though, he had a go and followed his dreams and that’s all we can really do with our lives. It’s better to try and fail than to never try at all. Perhaps one day the Turtles will be remade for an adult audience and a more realistic take on the story will involve Shredder cutting Raphael to pieces and finally getting the world wide recognition he so craved. Until then Shredder you are the 50th top don but no more. Congratulations.

Interesting fact: Shredder was so big they had to call in ‘Big Daddy Cool’ Kevin Nash to play him in one of the films.
See: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Classic TV Remembered – #FantasyFootballLeague

Fantasy Football League was an amazing part of my life growing up. I remember getting my dad to tape the early series for me as I couldn’t stay up to watch it as I had school the next morning. The anticipation of watching it the next day was huge, even though I probably didn’t get half the jokes at the time as I was about 10 when it was on and it could be quite adult in its humour at times.

If you don’t know it then basically it was Frank Skinner and David Baddiel in a mock flat sitting around talking about football, showing funny clips and having special celebrity guests pop round to the flat for a bit of a chinwag. There was also Statto who sat in the kitchen area of the flat and knew pretty much everything there was to know and acted as a figure for Baddiel and Skinner to rip the shit out of whenever they saw fit. You know that James Corden World Cup show that was on a few weeks ago? well it was a bit like that, apart from it was watchable, actually funny and you didn’t want to stab the presenters to death with a really fucking sharp knife.

In the early series there actually was an element of traditional fantasy football to it, with the celebrity guests having their own teams and playing in a competition with each other, however this was soon dropped for later series and it ended up as a fairly straight up comedy show. Classic moments include ripping Jason “he’s got a pineapple on his head” Lee to shreds, Jimmy Hill turning up pissed out of his head, and the Bruce Forsythe sketch “its higher than Alan Ball’s voice, it’s Bryan Gunn’s hairline” “Nothing for McClair in this game”.

Other favourite segments included Pele was shite, Phoenix from the flames, and Jeff Astle sings.

It’s a programme many have tried to mimic what with the likes of Soccer AM and the aforementioned James Corden catastrophe but nothing will ever reach the great heights Fantasy Football did. I guess it also sums up a certain time period in my life, football felt a bit different back then as a kid, you could actually like the England team without feeling like a prick and my childlike innocence led me to believe Spurs could actually challenge for the title each season.

It’s well worth checking the programme out if you can get hold of it, for nostalgias sake and also because most of the gags are still pretty funny providing you know about 90s football. You can get all of the series on vhs and the more recent Euro 2004 series is available on DVD, Youtube is also packed full of clips too.

Either/Or

The Wire Vs The Sopranos

Both shows have been critically acclaimed, are loved by millions of people and are seen as some of the best T.V there has been in recent years or dare I say, ever. Now I have to make a shocking revelation, I’ve not seen more than a couple of episodes of each ever however I have picked up box sets in recent months & plan on changing this but I’m totally clueless to which I should start with. It’s a big decision, once I put the first disc into the DVD player that will pretty much be my free time for the next few months gone in a flash so I am not taking this lightly.

So I am asking the question, THE SOPRANOS or THE WIRE? Which do you prefer & why? Which would be best to watch first for someone with a limited knowledge of this shows?. Leave your thoughts in the comments box or even better sign up to the Soapbox Forum & discuss the shows in the Film & T.V Section.