Fantasy Football Week Somthing

Welcome back one and all, Johnny Football here with your sometime fantasy football blog. Quite a lot’s happened in the last couple of weeks, but I don’t remember much of any of it so let’s crack straight on. We are very privileged this week to be talked through the movers and shakers of the FF world by none other than the king of fantasy himself, Mr Samuel Allardyce MBE.  Play it urbane Sam…

“Have you seen that Twitter account taking the piss out of me? It’s a fucking disgrace. Making out like I love Fergie and my own mam hates us, fucking rotten behaviour. Do you see them doing that to  Gandhi or Michael Jordan? Once again it’s one rule for the foreign lads and another for ‘Big Sam’. Does Jordan know the Prozone website url off by heart? Is Gandhi at Manchester police station at 4 in the morning with a spare pair of trousers and Diouffy’s bail money? No he isn’t, so fuck off. But anyway, on with the show – I’m a professional and I’m here to do a job. And first off, the lad Berbatov bagged a smashing haul this week (17pts) and I’ll not lie, it shocked me. For a white lad to be popping a couple of headers in, it rocked my world. I know I used to have Kevin Davies, but he didn’t look half the anorexic poof that this one does, impressive.

Poofs: Everywhere

And speaking of poofs, I see Arsene Wenger’s been bullying referees again – it wouldn’t surprise me if he knocked his wife about that one. And I’ll tell you now if that animal of his (Alex Song – The week’s lowest scorer with -2) tries any of his snide shit on my boys I’ll stab him in the eye with my complimentary Opta fountain pen. Then we’ll see… well, one of us will, eh.”

Ominous as ever, thankyou Sam. Continuing the the foreboding tone, the vultures seem to be hovering over poor SuperFurryGills after they posted the week’s lowest score (A paltry 22 points). Manager brad arrived at his post-match press conference red eyed and unshaven claiming to have lost the keys to his office. Sources suggest his wife’s thrown him out after discovering his involvement in the recent Wayne Rooney scandal. No doubt it was a tender and majestic night brad, but if your fantasy football’s suffered, was it really worth it? Contrasting fortunes though for Gaga Romama, who shot up the league with a cheeky 69, while Future ITV pundits still straddle us all confidently, their bronzed, muscular thighs squeezing tightly as we gaze up in wonder.

Terry: A walking wound

Man On The Street

On his recent visit to the UK the Pope peeled himself away from playing Gameboy in his hotel room to shout deranged obscenities about some of our Fantasy Football teams from his balcony. Sandinistas (‘Satan’s shit’), Baldock’s Beerguts (‘a septic puddle of fucking discharge’) and icanmex (‘Sound a bit black to me’) all came in for a tongue lashing. His final  criticism though was saved, perhaps harshly, for newcomers Roman Candles, of whom he simply stated ‘Arse candles’.

The code to join the Classic League fun is 33421-11939

Fantasy Football Week 2

A week that saw Tottenham Hotspur stride into the Champions League with a performance that was no doubt described as ‘triffic’ 8 hundred million times by Harry Redknapp in his post-match press conference, also saw Sampdoria and their utterly mental talisman Antonio Cassano fall at the same stage to the cruelest of last-minute goals. By contrast the Soapbox’s very own loon Henry has succeeded in slipping through an altogether more flimsy net and joined the league. We welcome him, along with fellow newbie Craig and the returning rbbrslmn, whose sabbatical turned out to be more like a lunchbreak.

Onto our guest now and here to talk us through the fantasy week that was is none other than former USA manager, Bob Bradley!

‘Howdy folks, Bob Bradley here to talk you the last 7 days of EPL action. We’ve just gotta start with the awesome offence on display this week – three six-zero shutouts for you guys, with the biggest get going to the London Arsenal’s Theo Wallcoat  (21 pts) with a goal treble from the mid-field. A tidy haircut and straight white teeth should make him a real role model for England’s ugly, malnourished, slacker kids. The second team on the wrong end of a soccerfest last weekend were the abysmal Wigan Athletics, who practically bent over and let that gaggle of Chelsea immigrants molest them like a goddamn motherfucking pedophile. Disgusting.

Carew: Godless brute

The third then saw the Aston Villains’ franchise blitzkrieged, with goaltender Brad Friedel caught out there as Newcastle and Andy Carrell (17pts) ran riot in his defensive zone. This could be a tough job if big Bob gets the nod, with a real lack of core values evident in the side. That brute Carew, where was his love of God and country as he blazed his penalty over like some communist scum? I would suggest that he’s not even raising his children as Christian. Let’s conclude this roundup on a happier note though, by mentioning one of the week’s other power players. Brett Hangerlands (9) played double agent scoring for both The Fulhams and Manchester United. With the player posing a threat in both courts the chance of exciting double goal action could be yours every week – a little tip for all you fantasy managers out there looking for the edge Bob Bradley style!’

Thanks a fucking bunch, Bob. League shit now and pre-season favourites Future ITV Pundits have risen assuredly to the top of the pile, with newcomers Frank Fielding? Who? blurting into second. Boasting the world’s only popular ginger, Paul Scholes at the heart of their midfield, they post the week’s highest score of 89. At the sticky end things go from bad to worse for FC Upper 90, whose continued faith in Liverpool players is looking intellectually suspect at best, heavily retarded at worst. But now onto some erratic behaviour from Blue And White Army manager Abs, who this week called an impromptu press conference at Exeter airport. Wearing a Brazil shirt and clutching a Portuguese phrase book as he boarded a short-haul flight to Guernsey he boasted, ‘I’m going to have a storming week next week. Just made a couple of big transfers that will be all over the Fantasy League back pages.’ Before declining to comment further. Enigma or wanker? It’s such a fine line.

Terry: Wanker, definitely

Man On The Street

Acclaimed director Martin Scorsese couldn’t wait to put the boot into SuperFurryGills, denouncing them as ‘snide fucking shitbags’ before flipping and launching into an astonishing personal attack on Aston Villa’s forward Emile Heskey which, frankly, should see him locked up for abuse of the word ‘cunt’. Leonardo DiCaprio has indicated his interest in playing Hesky in any potential Scorsese production.

The code to join the Classic League fun is 33421-11939

Fantasy Football Week 1

Coppell, O’Neil and rbbrslmn – three shock departures in the opening days of the season. And while O’Neil enjoys a curiously easy ride from the press and Steve Coppell struggles with the pressure of deciding which dressing gown he’s going to watch Trisha in for the rest of his life, we wish league founder and Dinamo BigNev manager rbbrslmn all the best as he takes some time out of the hot seat to battle his sex addiction. And so onto the business of the first week of the season! And who better to ramble on about a bunch of stuff we already know than the poster boy of ITV football… Andy Townsend!

‘I’ll tell you what, for me, the Premier League is the best in the world. Not that I watch any other leagues, or even any of the teams in the bottom half of this one, but it really puts your Bundesligas and your La Ligas of this world to shame. And listen, the early pace setter has to be your man Drogba, the boy got 17 points and he’s got to be delighted with that. Though in fairness this was against a West Brom side who, as we say round my way, are a total bag of shit. At the other end of the scale, the now-suspended Joe Cole posted the week’s lowest score of –2 thanks to a lunging red card challenge that endangered the bone structure of Laurent Koscielny’s legs, but at the end of the day we all know Joe’s not like that, so I think he’s been unlucky there.

Harewood: Done first class

The surprise of the week has to be the 15 point man Maron Harewood, who, for me, looks like a Goomba in the back of a spoon. I don’t know what league this Blackpool lot have come from, in fact Adrian Chiles and me had a good chuckle about how we’d not even heard of them before the weekend, I don’t think anyone had to be honest with you, but there’s no denying they’ve all done first class. Another new side, Newcastle, didn’t fare quite so well however, and my old mate Chris Hughtons got to be disappointed with that. Having grown up in the same part of Ireland as him I know Chris well and let me tell you, he wants to win football matches, simple as that. But look, listen, bottom line, the Premier League is back, fantastic, and when it comes down to it it’s up there with your Human Leagues and your Leagues of Gentlemen of this world, and ultimately, that’s what it’s all about.’

Cheers Andy. On to league chatter now with Baldocks Beerguts and Blue And White Army leading the way after Week 1. Both sides benefited from big hauls for Chelsea stalwarts Lampard and Drogba on their way to breaking the 60 point barrier, strong showings in a tricky opening week. At the other end of the table the only two sides not to break 30 points were the hapless AFC Bobothy and FC Upper 90, the latter’s fixture marred by fan protests over it’s ‘clueless yank’ owner. In other news, despite a strong mid-table start Beardy Wonders’ controversial manger SuperJohnny has bizarrely threatened to sack every one of his players, although with cunts like John Terry in his side, he probably has his reasons. And finally, forum sexpot Glasi is has informed the forum that she is playing the game, but will not be joining the league, in what can only be described as typically Finnish behavior.

Terry: Cunt

Man On The Street

‘Well Korunha and FC Upper 90 both look like a steaming pile of spastic for starters and I’ll tell you another thing, I wouldn’t piss on that cunt Drogba if he was on fire’ fumed TV’s Konnie Huq. ‘Did you see that West Brom wall?’ quipped a lurking Charlie Brooker. ‘It parted quicker than Konnie’s legs once she heard I’d got my own panel show.’

The code to join the Classic League fun is 33421-11939

World Cup Exorcism

Roll up, roll up it’s only a boxfresh fantasy football season! In this all-new weekly blog that the Official Premier Legue website is already calling ‘nothing to do with us’ we’ll be taking a look at the ups and downs of our participants and protagonists as the season unfolds. Each week we’ll be joined by a prominent member of Britiain’s football glitterati (and occasionaly a skeleton from The Soapbox’s musty old closet) to offer us their hints, tips and views on the fantasy season so far. So let’s jump straight in shall we? And who better to get the ball rolling than ITV’s Clive Tyldesly…

“When picking a fantasy football side for the new season my mind of course wanders back to that sangria soaked, erotic night in Barcelona. I close my eyes and try to feel Big Ron’s hand back on my thigh as we watch Andy Cole traipse off the pitch, substituted, dejected. ‘It’ll be alright Clivey’ his hairy, racist grip seemed to say, and as I saw Cole’s length twitch as it grazed past Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, my loins tingled and I just knew that it would be. What? Fantasy football? Er… well, obviously you can only pick three players from any one team, making things tricky, Gary Neville and Ryan Giggs are musts for obvious reasons, though your third choice from the Red Devils is completely up to you, they’re all as lovely as each other if you ask me! Of course the likes of Sylvian Ebanks-Blake, Alan Smith and Phil Bardsley have also inhaled Sir Alex’s magical odour first-hand in careers that have since gone from strength to strength. The mere residue of such brilliance is sure to mean points points points for you if you’re smart enough to pick them for your team! And remember, this kind of slavish, mindless shrewdness is the key to success not just in fantasy football, but in life. All the best folks!”

Thanks Clive. Now, since no points have been scored and everyone’s picks are still a mystery, league talk kicks off with every team’s biggest, and so far only statement: the strip – but with most going for faithful recreations and traditional designs only two currently stand out among the generic haze. And I’d Do It Again’s bold pink, brown and lime green effort is rumoured to be the last thing Alexander McQueen designed before his suicide, and as you may expect it looks exactly like a disturbed homsexual vomiting his soul onto cloth – it’s quite a parting shot at the world, violent and sexual in equal measure… but where’s the heart? And so, despite it’s daring competition, the winner of the pre-season Getup Cup sponsered by Meinby’s of Denmark Street, can only be Future ITV Pundits, whose lovely green and purple ensemble reminds me of Barney the Dinosaur. Three cheers.

Odds and sods

BabuBet make SuperFurryGills it’s dark horses for the coming season at 9/1, while Dynamo Big Nev and Future ITV Pundits are installed as joint favourites at 5/1. Moz United are currently rank outsiders at 33/1.

Man On The Street

A drunk and excitable Graham Coxon outside The Good Mixer proclaimed that Beardy Wonders have ‘no fucking chance’ and that Welling United ‘sound like a bunch of fucking shithouses.’

It all kicks off this Saturday so sign up hombres, it’s good clean fun. And free!

Terry: Excited

Fantasy Premier League is here: http://fantasy.premierleague.com/

And the codes to join the fun are 33421-11939 (Classic) and 33421-11958 (The Head-To-Head League which along with the Classic contributes towards crowning the ultimate Soapbox champion)